With summer schedules, disrupted routines, kids at home, vacations, and everyday stress, couples put their relationship on the back burner. Studies show 25 percent of couples experience roommate syndrome. If that detachment is not addressed, the relationship can enter the muted stage, where emotional expression slows or stops altogether, according to Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and clinical sexologist.
“Without awareness and intervention, many couples may reach the detached stage,” says Dr. Elton. “In this final stage, the emotional bond is severely weakened or has dissolved entirely. Partners may still share a home or a routine, but not a true sense of us or we. At this point, there is often an unspoken recognition that we’re still here...but not really together anymore.”
She discusses this further in her forthcoming book, The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection. Drawing on neuroscience, attachment theory, and decades of clinical experience, she explains why desire often fades in long-term relationships even when love remains, and what couples can do about it in clear, actionable steps.
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
Why do so many couples feel like they’ve become roommates and what can they do to change that?
As a marriage and family therapist, I see so many couples come into my office saying they feel like passing ships in the night. They're doing a great job managing the household, raising kids, paying bills, and keeping everything running, but somewhere along the way they stopped feeling like romantic partners and started feeling more like roommates. The reality is that this can happen in almost any long-term relationship. Every couple can reach a point where life becomes so busy and routine that the relationship slips onto autopilot. The important thing is recognizing it before emotional distance becomes the new normal and intentionally putting your attention back into the relationship.
One of the biggest first steps is creating connection outside of logistics. Instead of only talking about schedules, groceries, or who's picking up the kids, ask questions like, 'How are you doing today?' or 'What's been on your mind?' Add daily micro-moments of connection through affection and touch. Even a 20-second hug increases oxytocin, “the love and bonding hormone,” which helps couples feel calmer, safer, and more connected to one another. And finally, make time for intentional experiences together.
You talk about measuring relationship health, how can someone tell where they stand and what needs to change?
We measure everything in life. We track our sleep, our heart rate, and even our daily steps. We know our credit score. We monitor our blood pressure. So why don't we measure the health of the one thing that has the greatest impact on our happiness... our relationship?
That realization led me to develop the Relational Desire Score, or RDS, which is the central framework in my book, The Formula of Desire (New Harbinger Publications, August 2026). It's a relationship health assessment designed to identify early warning signs before couples reach a crisis. Just as a credit score gives you an early indication of your financial health, the Relational Desire Score gives you an early indication of your relationship's trajectory.
One of the best parts of the assessment is that both partners take it separately. Then they compare their scores. When I ask couples, “Would your partner give your relationship the same score you would?” More often than not, the answer is no. Those differences reveal blind spots that neither partner realized existed, creating an opportunity to change the relationship's direction before one partner has already emotionally left. The assessment is included in my book, The Formula of Desire, and it's also available online at TheFormulaOfDesire.com.
You write about 'quiet quitting' in relationships. What does that actually look like, and why is it more dangerous than open conflict?
From a research perspective, this is one of the most fascinating and concerning stages of a relationship. What I describe as 'quiet quitting' is part of a progression from the pre-terminal stage to the terminal stage in the relationship, a process that can unfold over roughly six months to a little over two years before one partner finally reaches a breaking point.
During that time, the partner moving in that direction has often already emotionally checked out. They've essentially quiet quit the relationship in the same way people quiet quit a job. They've already begun grieving the relationship while they're still in it. By the time they finally say, 'I want a divorce,' they're often emotionally exhausted and simply don't have the capacity or even the desire to keep having the same conflicts.
That's why this stage is actually more dangerous than open conflict. Couples who are arguing are still emotionally engaged. They still care enough to fight for change. But when someone has emotionally checked out, they've already accepted the relationship’s loss internally. By the time they say, 'I want a divorce,' they've been living with that decision emotionally for months, sometimes years. What’s important is that if we recognize these warning signs early, relationships are very repairable.
What's one thing a couple can do this week to shift the emotional climate in their relationship?
I would say the very first step is to start noticing what's going well. We tend to expect the good and pay attention to what's missing or not getting done. As time goes on, that begins to shape our thoughts, our conversations, and eventually the way we see our partner. We begin viewing both our partner and the relationship through a negative lens.
This week, I'd challenge couples to do one simple exercise. For the next seven days, make a mental note of one thing your partner did that you appreciate, no matter how small. Then don't keep it to yourself. Say it out loud. Tell them, 'I noticed you did that, and I appreciate it.' Gratitude changes what we pay attention to. When we intentionally look for the positive, we begin to see more of it. That small shift can change the emotional climate of a relationship and create a foundation for stronger connection.
Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and clinical sexologist whose work sits at the intersection of desire, identity, communication, and modern relationships. She is the creator of multiple therapeutic models used by clinicians and couples across the United States, including frameworks that treat desire as a measurable signal of relational health rather than a fixed trait.
Dr. Elton is known for translating complex psychological dynamics into clear, compassionate, and actionable frameworks. Drawing on neuroscience, attachment theory, and relationship science, her work focuses on how emotional connection, attraction, conflict, and digital habits shape long-term relational patterns. She works with couples, clinicians, families, executives, and organizations, helping them understand what drives attraction, disconnection, and meaningful relational change over time.
Her insights have been featured on PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC. She teaches nationally through PESI and the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, and has presented internationally, including in Japan, Canada, Italy, and Australia. Dr. Elton is also the host of Life, Love, Etc., a relationship-focused show where she explores desire, communication, intimacy, and the psychology of connection. She writes for Psychology Today through her blog, Life, Love, Etc., and continues to develop research-informed tools that support emotional and intimate connection in a world that often works against it.
Beyond her professional work, Dr. Elton lives the principles she teaches. She has been married to her high school sweetheart, Michael, for over two decades, and together they are raising their three children.
Connect with Dr. Anna Elton:
Official Website: www.annaelton.com
Book Website: www.theformulaofdesire.com
Instagram:@drannaelton
Facebook:@drannaelton
LinkedIn:@annaelton
Twitter: @drannaelton
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